A phrase

The grander gesture. If you watch too much series, films and read too many books in a row, you’ll start believing that most people’s lives are made up of grand gestures. Of escape plans, of making a point. Of making things happen. But I don’t know anyone who actually does that. I’ve seen people break with their lives – in some form – and go abroad, start over and do something new. I’ve seen people travel, not caring about jobs or education for a while. I’ve seen people taking it easy for a while. But I haven’t seen the montage, the dramatic music, the making-a-point… It doesn’t exist like that, not in my real life.

I always dream up album titles, some good, some funny, some really bad. A while ago I stumbled onto a bad one. Still, it’s been stuck in my head, like some sort of mantra. It keeps popping up. Probably because I like to criticize my own behavior and choices. Like I need to move to an even better place but do not in the end. Not going through with something like that feels like letting myself down, even though I realize it’s actually the better option for so many different reasons. Simply the fact that it’s the less exciting choice, though, makes me feel like letting myself down. There’s no other reason. I’m getting better at thinking something’s good enough, I’ve grown in that way in the past year.

A good moment to reflect, these final days of 2012. But I don’t even want to do that. 2012 has been a good year but it’s also been a difficult year. Difficult to make it good. I think my life was way easier when I was just ignoring the bad stuff instead of trying to fix it. So, while my life is getting better, my main goal seems to be to make it better without working for it. No, scratch that, I don’t mind working for it. My main goal seems to be to make life better without caring about it on a daily basis. I wish I could let that go. That’s not my plan for 2013 though, that would be totally contradicting myself.

That crappy album title phrase? … And then I stopped caring and moved on with my life. But that’s probably never gonna happen. So how I’ll get an album full of songs about it I don’t know… And then I cared a little less and moved on with my life. Now that’s a bit more realistic. And even worse as an album title.

All the best for 2013 :).

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